Change & Transformation

Cleansing Cometh: More Transition…Really?!

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Trust me – this IS progress; the drawer WAS fully stuffed yesterday…

So a co-worker called me the offensive “h-word” today…no, not heifer…hoarder. I smarted as if I’d been stung by a bee, wondering where that zinger came from. I thought I had made progress. And I had, until it became incumbent upon me to prepare for the inevitable office move of less than 50 feet to the other side of the SAME floor (side glance – now what executive thought this was an efficiency-saver?! Riiight…). With 2 days to go, I was definitely under pressure and behind the power curve.

Honestly, I can understand my co-worker’s point (I know she meant no harm, and it really was ridiculous the amount of stuff I’d collected while sitting there since 2014 – and of course I brought a few things from previous roles, too. Or maybe more than a few, it seems…). I also understood the moving coordinators who stopped by ever-so-often to gently inquire if I was gonna make the “be off the floor ‘cuz the movers are here” Friday at 2pm deadline. As the pressure mounted, I felt myself getting more overwhelmed. (I’d already had a mini-meltdown when stripping the cube walls earlier in the week – everything looked so stark, empty, and blank. Then I saw my children’s baby pictures and reflected on my youngest now heading to high school and the tears started leaking out of my eyelids. It wasn’t a pretty moment. Thankfully, it passed quickly).

As I toted papers to the shred bin, another co-worker peeked her head out from behind her computer monitor – a new employee who I noticed like to write, just like me. However, I discovered her hidden superpower today: organizing. She watched me swoosh past her desk several times frantically ferrying the many small to mid-sized boxes I’d accumulated over years of administrative support “just in case someone needs ‘em, I’ve got ‘em!” Finally she asked me, “Are you OK?” And I sheepishly whispered that I’d just been called a hoarder and I needed to speed up my purging if I was gonna make the packing deadline without the movers tossing any remaining unpacked items – of which I had many lingering.

With a single sentence, she tossed me a lifesaver of hope, “When you get to your new cube, we’re going to get you off to a fresh, new, organized workspace.” Wow – someone who barely knew me was offering to help me (because it was obvious that I desperately needed assistance since my plan to keep accumulating and stuffing had finally reached the breaking point – no pun intended…I think my file drawers were at capacity).

So today’s lesson is this: At some point, you’ve gotta take some stuff out to maintain a healthy balance; you can’t keep shovin’ stuff in. This goes for emotions, relationships, food, whatever…

Let the cleansing continue.

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My desk & shelves haven’t been this empty since I moved into this cube in 2014…I’m learning to travel lighter – that’s for sure!

“Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.”
(Psalm 51:10)

© Copyright 2019 by Kayren J. Cathcart

Moving Tales: Preparing to Sojourn

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To you, it may appear to be a messy gaggle of office products, but to me, the beautifully arrayed colors of these lovely items spell office product BLISS. Who knew that many binder clips lay nestled in my files, multiplying and plotting their takeover? (given the right moment and opportunity, it could happen…)

I was too embarrassed to even snap a pic of the “just in case” pineapple chunks that I’d obviously had so long that the can had popped, the product had disintegrated, crusted over, and evaporated to half its former juicy volume, and there was brown rust everywhere in that bag. Out of an abundance of caution, I tossed the can of lentil soup labeled “best before 2013.” Volunteering at Second Harvest Food Bank should’ve reminded me that there really is such a thing as shelf life. How is it that I hadn’t gone in that file drawer for so long that I was unaware of the biological hazard lurking behind me every day?! Geesh!

Is there never a time when I’m not in transition? Maybe God plans it that way so we constantly have to depend on HIM for strength, guidance, direction, instruction, correction – and to be sustained. Because growth doesn’t occur naturally when we stay in the same position too long. We’re built to grow and develop. It would look crazy for an almost-adult 12th Grader to sit in a kindergarten-sized chair every day. I know this, yet I balk when it comes time to change and get uncomfortable with something else unfamiliar. And since I’m not all-knowing (while God IS all-knowing), I should just embrace this as the way things are – by His divine design.

“8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
(Isaiah 55:8-9)

© Copyright 2019 by Kayren J. Cathcart

Purging My Burgeoning Past: Approaching the End of an Epoch

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Old files that I decided to ROLL to the shred bin for the sake of time…and that was just the second load of the second day!

It’s an office move…these things happen every day, all around the world – why is this one impacting me so significantly? Why does it feel like a major theatrical production from my perspective? I mean, how sentimental is it to clean out old meeting agendas and filed, approved, and paid expense reports for a manager I don’t even support any more…and haven’t for over 3 years? She has moved on…why haven’t I? It may have something to do with my college friends recently revealing they nicknamed me MacGyver because I was always prepared. I laughed out loud…I guess I’ve always been the caring nurturer who tried to care for everyone and take care of everything. Until the accumulation became to great to bear – I ran out of emotional capital. So I find myself in more introspection and reflection.

Why the emotional attachment to stuff I haven’t touched in months…or years? I dare admit to myself that it a grasp for security of the familiar. Not that the familiar is even comfortable, but I kinda know what to expect. I know where to look if I need it, and that brings me some tinge of security…but is it a false peace? Is it misplaced trust? Well of COURSE it is, silly rabbit!

If I’m honest with myself, I think it’s because just about every area of my life is going through transition at the same time…and it’s absolutely uncomfortable and terrifying. Yet at the same time, maybe I have a bit of hopeful expectation of something different, better, fresh, not yet experienced. It has the potential to be exhilarating and scary – but yielding great new growth…like in a forest after a brush fire kinda way. New day, new beginnings.

I’ll be sitting in a different seat, in a different position, with a different vantage point. So looking at the same familiar things will appear different. And maybe that’s what God has wanted for me all along…yield, surrender, give in…again…for the first time…another adventuresome journey awaits. Am I ready? It doesn’t matter as long as His presence goes with me, proceeds me, and covers me. And He can do all 3 things at the same time, so I guess all this fretting has been an exercise in corporate futility…kinda like moving 50 feet to say “look what we did!” I reiterate: activity does NOT always equal productivity…but that’s just my 2 cents’ worth.

“6 Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom.
7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.”
(Psalm 51:6-8)

© Copyright 2019 by Kayren J. Cathcart

Dusk/Nightfall: Time to Replenish

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You know morning comes again after the darkness. And you still yourself and endure just a little while longer. The moon and the ever-changing sky palette were a perfect recap to this full week. Taking a moment to savor my progression was a welcome respite.

I took time for my cardio activity, not being concerned about anyone else for that 30 minutes. It wasn’t selfish; it was restorative. As an adult, I’ve come to realize that while my matriarchal role models could nurture the ever-living daylights out of someone (or everyone in their sphere of influence), they didn’t generally model self-care effectively – or at all. So I’m learning (of a necessity) how to do this now. Acknowledging that taking care of others doesn’t have to occur at the expense of neglecting myself. Balance is possible – when you make it an intentionally incorporated part of the process – it doesn’t happen on its own!  

Sometimes my own self-care is the best of intentions with weak (or no) execution. Sometimes it’s trial-and-error. But sometimes – like today – I nail it! So I celebrate my success without guilt. Because what good am I to others if there’s nothing left to give? Exactly…

How can you intentionally celebrate your own prelude to joy this week? Give it some thought. Feel free to share in the comments if you’d like.

“5 For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.
10 Hear, O Lord, and have mercy upon me: Lord, be thou my helper.
11 Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness;
12 To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever.”
(Psalm 30:5, 10-12 KJV)

© Copyright 2019 by Kayren J. Cathcart

Sterile/Sterilized Relationships

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Tough to admit to myself – let alone to others, but I realize after reading Matthew 18:15 that I’ve pretty much had an emotional condom at the ready in most of my friendships – just in case things got heated! Not wanting to be fully transparent and unable to yield to complete intimacy for fear of being unliked, unaccepted, misunderstood, or just downright rejected. Trying to protect myself from as-yet-unhappened hurts (but bracing for their potential occurrence). That’s why I wore a mask and tried to only show the “good parts” of me. But that’s unreal. Not human. Did that make me an alien? LOL. No, but it did contribute to the existence of a very tormented, agonizing human.

Trying to broker all these moving pieces in multiple dynamic relationships was like spinning a bunch of plates. And when the exhaustion of trying to manage the not-meant-to-be-managed process caused me to fray, I went kaput and the gears stopped turning and the wheels ground to a screeching halt. The plates began to crash as I no longer had the energy to meticulously attend to each one wobbling out of control – just beyond my grasp and inability to “fix it.”  And I was left to examine myself, and the trail of fragmented relationships strewn on the path behind me.

Then a funny thing happened: God caused me to start revisiting those relationships. Not to reopen old wounds, but for the purpose of closure. So I could see that – even in the midst of my own imperfections, shortcomings, and mistakes (of which there are many) – He was able to bring healing to my broken places if I would but allow Him access. Vulnerable place? You betcha. But it’s where I find myself. And when you come to understand that being on the Potter’s wheel is exactly where He wants you so He can fashion an even more exquisite vessel out of the disparate pieces of your life, a certain level of peace comes. I remain in progress and in process…

“Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.”
(Matthew 18:15)

© Copyright 2019 by Kayren J. Cathcart

Offline for System Maintenance

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marred – spoiled, corrupted, ruined, injured, rotted

Preventive maintenance is better than a partial – or total – system failure (and subsequent shutdown)…mayday, mayday! Alert! Caution! Pay attention!

Though both scenarios involve not being able to access the system, when unavailability is planned, you can better prepare and respond. Making advanced arrangements and calculated adjustments can be smoother than in-the-moment, real-time reactions.

The off duty bus displays an “Out of Service” sign. Bathrooms do, too. “Closed for repairs.” “Pardon our progress.” So can a person hang an “Under Construction” sign around their neck? I’m just sayin’…it behooves us to be mindful of where people are in their process of being formed – or reformed – for the Master’s use and good pleasure.

“And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it.”
(Jeremiah 18:4)

© Copyright 2019 by Kayren J. Cathcart

Applying Emotional Baggage Depilatory

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depilatory – a cream or lotion for removing unwanted hair

Removing excess emotional baggage can be cumbersome.
However, the process can be abbreviated with some well-applied wisdom…kinda like hair removal.
Sorta. Like if you squint one eye and look real hard…

This week, I made significant personal process in purging out some old mindsets, thought patterns, and behaviors. This advancement was accompanied by intentionally doing some new and unfamiliar activities. For instance, take my experience today of using a cream hair removal product for the first time in my life. A friend told me she recently used some on her elementary school-aged daughter’s underarms. I’d shaved my underarms since high school (thanks, show choir costumes), but I stopped a few years ago because of discomfort from bumps due to ingrown hairs (no doubt, my cheap, dull razors contributed to this quandary). Since I was recently blessed with some new sleeveless dresses by friends cleaning out their closets, I figured I’d test out the product, and picked up a bottle for less than $5 this afternoon.

I carefully read the directions before showering: Apply a thick layer of cream for 3 minutes. Do not leave on for longer than 10 minutes. Not for use on face. Wipe off gently with a rag and rinse. Do not rub. Got it.

While waiting for the product to work, I planned to roll my hair. But first, I washed my face, and then I determined to make sure to wash my hands thoroughly after applying the product to my underarms. I got downright tickled thinking, “Hmmm, if there’s product residue on my hands, I certainly don’t want to see a patch of hair on my head sliding off before Sunday Service!” So I washed my hands a second time just to be on the safe side (and avoid a replay of the Hot Pepper Hands incident). An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!

I proceeded to roll my hair without incident. Once I got into the shower, I followed the gentle wiping directions, and voilà, off slid my underarm hair! My underarms looked good upon closer inspection with my magnifying mirror. Only after the process did I learn of what creates the hair removal miracle: a strong and alkaline-based product is placed on the unwanted hair, and it processes hair into a jelly-like substance. I didn’t expect to have a science experiment in my shower, but I’m glad it was uneventful.

After a few online searches, I learned that epilation removes the entire hair at the follicle level (from the root), while hair is removed only to the surface with depilation, Which means, I’m gonna have to revisit any hair that grows back – or emotional baggage that lingers. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. For the time being, I’m enjoying being a few clumps of hair lighter as I lay out my sleeveless dress for tomorrow – I can raise my arms without a second thought…no small forests here; the underbrush has been removed! Ironic that God had me try this new hair removal product as I was clearing out my emotional cache? No way! He is most strategic and intentional…by design. He knew this was gonna happen wayyyyy before I did (the hair removal AND the emotional baggage clean-up). #Grateful

“18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.
19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire.”
(Matthew 7:18-19)

© Copyright 2019 by Kayren J. Cathcart

Revisiting Composite

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I glanced back at my photo of the early spring tulips. When I was breathless and (nearly) speechless because of their beauty over a month ago, I wasn’t focusing of how many white flowers, purple flowers, or pink flowers were in the photo when I originally posted it. I looked at each part as a valued segment that contributed to creating a beautiful whole.

Fast-forward to today – why am I trying so intensely to dissect innumerable individual items from my personal history in an attempt to “get it all together?” Perhaps I imagine there’s a way for me to figure out how everything can be tied up neatly in a package with a pretty bow – but this is real life (comprised of family, friends, and strangers – and encompassing multifaceted people with a multiplicity of issues – so that’s probably an unreasonable, if not downright ludicrous, expectation). In essence, isn’t that the same as picking out and enumerating the number of white vs. purple vs. pink flowers – instead of just appreciating how the conglomeration comes together as a thing of aesthetic beauty?

A caring friend told me today to “work on being at peace.” At first, the OCD in me laughed as I mused, “Yep, WORK; something else to put on my To Do list, and when I accomplish it, I can check it off – whoo hoo!” But I get it. I need to be very diligent about pursuing peace (from the Prince of Peace, the only lasting Source) and allowing it to settle in my life. She also gently reminded me that “healing comes when you are just yourself” – and not trying to be a perfect version of who you think you should be. So that’s what I’m working on in this season amidst many distractions (but I guess if I already had peace, I wouldn’t have to pursue it…or maybe we have to be diligent to maintain it once it is obtained). How about you?

“10 For he who would love life and see good days,
Let him refrain his tongue from evil,
And his lips from speaking deceit.
11 Let him turn away from evil and do good;
Let him seek peace and pursue it.
12 For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
And His ears are open to their prayers;
But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”
(I Peter 3:10-12, NKJV)

© Copyright 2019 by Kayren J. Cathcart

Composite

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composite – a thing made up of various parts or elements; amalgamation, combination, compound, fusion, synthesis, mixture, blend, conglomeration, alloy, patchwork, hybrid

I took a walk today and snapped a few pics of pretty flowers. As I rested after my walk, I reviewed the photos, and saw one I’d taken of some tulips a month ago. When I zoomed in, I saw little things I’d never noticed when looking at the real scene with my naked eye – namely a torn leaf and several discolorations. However, I also marveled at the magnificent dewdrops sparkling on the colorful array of petals, and the inherent potential peeking through some yet-to-be-opened buds.

My takeaway? When things of beauty are in your space, don’t inspect them too closely – imperfections aren’t hard to find! Instead, appreciate the beauty of the composite picture life presents.

So I stepped back and savored the beauty of my entire walk – the birds swooping overhead (I noticed how high their nests of safety are situated), the happy rain droplets splattering my cheeks (threatening to cut my walk short, but delightful nonetheless), the sound of the rainwater rushing into the sanitary sewer (OK, in all honesty, THAT one actually triggered a thought of, “What if a sinkhole opened up in the neighborhood – how scary would that be?!”)…I had to zoom back out on that one.😏

Could it be that family is a composite – and to be appreciated as a thing of beauty? A great big ol’ mish-mash of related but definitely distinctive and distinguishable folks woven together by God’s design and for His glory? Yeah…I’m getting the picture…

“One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple.”
(Psalm 27:4)

© Copyright 2019 by Kayren J. Cathcart

The Visit: Home – Returning to Center

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Well, today I return home to husband and children. It’s been an eye-opening and interesting visit with my parents; timely and necessary. Grateful to know that I don’t have to pick back up the burdens I laid down this week – wonderings about the past, present, and future. Rest and peace. My husband reports that the children have been doing exactly what I prepared them to do – without me hovering, so I will try to approach my interactions with them from a new perspective when I return.

I’ve always defined home as “where you find yourself; a mindset.” So if I’m leaving home to go home…what now? Home is in the heart. My journey continues.

“17 And the work of righteousness shall be peace; and the effect of righteousness quietness and assurance for ever.
18 And my people shall dwell in a peaceable habitation,
and in sure dwellings, and in quiet resting places;”
(Isaiah 32:17-18)

© Copyright 2019 by Kayren J. Cathcart